Safety

I should be doing homework. I have to give a presentation on Dorothy Day in class next week and she lived a large life. I also have to submit a 15-18 page paper on her. Yet I had to stop after reading just a summary of her life. She did a lot. She lived what she believed without fear. She went to prison on a few occasions for the causes she believed in.

It got me thinking about my own life and where I am currently. I do not go out often anymore. People do not invite me out much. Only a few people text or call me regularly or message me on social media. Often when I have made plans over the past year or so I have changed or cancelled them for one reason or another. I can see why people do not automatically think to invite me out. (Ha ha.)

Yet I also see how I got to this point in life. During Covid, I almost thrived being home a lot. A part of me was tired and the introvert in me needed time away. It was safe. Now that life has returned to a normal of sorts, maybe a new normal that is not quite the same, but better than it was, I am looking at my life and wondering where I am spending my time and energy. 

Yes, I am currently working and studying part time. That takes a lot of time and energy. My job is still quite new to me and I am learning a lot daily. I am especially thankful for an abundance of kind and helpful coworkers who are always happy to guide and direct me. 

For my Counselling Practicum last semester, we were required to attend five counselling sessions for ourselves. I have kept meeting with my counsellor and after many weeks, we had a session last week. It was maybe the best session I have had with her. We talked about safety and me hiding as a way to stay safe. Safe from what? Hurt, rejection, failure, mistakes, and more. I realized it has become easier for me to hide in safety than put myself out there to build relationships that matter most to me. 

So now, here I am thinking about my life and how I want to emerge from safety into something bigger and better. It will not happen over night. But it will happen. I do still have lots of homework to do and do not have a lot of free time, but I do need to change how I use it. 

I will never live a life as impactful or large as Dorothy Day. Nor am I meant to. What I can do is live the biggest life for me as possible, whatever that might look like. That will require me to step out of the place of safety I have created and do things that I used to do all the time. I used to live a much bigger life and take more risks. That was also a very good life.