A wee bit of BS

My dad died just over 6 years ago. I had a deep relationship with him I have never experienced with anyone else. I used to think if he ever died, I would too. Clearly I have managed to survive. His loss was the deepest I have ever felt. His leaving created many holes in my heart and life. Suddenly I didn't have anyone who 'needed' to hear from me regularly. I didn't have anyone as generous. Christmas became nothing to me. My family floundered for a while after that and we had to redefine what was important to us. How would we celebrate? How would we create new memories? What was really important now? I love getting older but do not like my birthday day. It is three weeks before Christmas. My dad started a tradition when I was in high school of sending me flowers for my birthday. Even when I lived in Ireland I received them. I was wonderfully surprised for a few years after my dad's passing to have friends give me flowers on my birthday. This year I h...

I have to admit I love snow! I didn't love it as much as when I moved back from Dublin, Ireland years ago. Lately it has been snowing here a lot. I am enjoying it! I love sitting in my cozy home watching snow falling outside. I also enjoy shovelling. I suppose I should get proper winter boots. : ) Something else giving me joy lately is my new job. I started as a Coordinator for a local group that does research for other groups and organizations. It is a group made up of local residents. The hope is to create jobs and build community. JUst when I think I have found the most perfect job, life changes and I find yet another step up. This job is only part time and temporary. However, in a matter of two days I have been able to offer support and organization to this wonderful group of people trying to make their lives better as well as the lives of those around them. Some days my heart breaks at the poverty and loss of those around me. I wish I could just make things better...

I have moved into my very first house. I LOVE it! It is a beautiful house in the area I love. My street is great and I am thinking I will need to put up more Christmas lights. I have enjoyed settling into my home and love having people over. I moved in after my last day at my job. What a crazy transition to make in life. The time off work has been healing. I may finally be rested and relaxed. I am not worried about work. I will get a job easily enough. I may have one lined up early into next year. I was beginning to worry a bit about the time between then. A dear friend suggested my name to a local community group as a possible candidate for a part time position they have for five months. One of the women phoned asking for my resume. I sent it in and did not hear a thing. Today the other woman hiring for the position phoned me and I have my interview tomorrow. I have not had an interview for a while. It will be interesting. I am not worried. I know who I am. I know ...

Well it is Friday night. It felt as though my last two weeks at the Cafe would go on and on. Yet here I am a week after my last day. How time flies. I have moved into my very own house. I love it! It is a sanctuary to me. So far I am not worried about the mortgage. I am not worried about what job will be next. The past two weeks have been filled with rather amazing things. My God is amazing. He is amazing because He uses me, of all people, in amazing ways. I met with the Mayor last week and the woman who is his major contender in the upcoming election today. I am being listened to and respected by both. I can not tell you how humbling this is. I am just an ordinary person going about my life. I simply speak up when things seem wrong or unjust. I believe I have a certain wisdom that has come through life experiences. I am not better or smarter than others. I am just different. Growing up, apparently, I used to ask my mum two questions constantly. They made her crazy. ...

Today was my last day at the Ellice Cafe. It has been a full day. I also had a visit at City Hall. As I walked to City Hall just after noon I thought back to how I felt leaving Starbucks to go work there. I was so excited and hopeful and nervous. But I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the best place for me to go. It was the right job for me to take. I was going to love it. I would work hard and do the unexpected. I believe I did. It was a LOT of hard work. Some days were almost unbearable. But most days were absolutely delightful. Some things broke my heart. I hate seeing people in poverty. I hate seeing people living with addictions. I hate seeing people in poverty or living with addictions ignored by society around them. Some times I was tough. Some times I was not. But I tried, all the time, to be loving. There is no where else I know quite like the Ellice Cafe. The Board of New Life Ministries took a chance hiring me. I am glad they did. Now, clearly ...

Sigh. What a day. What a week. It is only Tuesday. When I started this week I certainly did not expect it to go like this. Yes, I am only two days in. However, that is two days down and three to go. I am buying a house, transitioning out of a job, trying to get yoga started for free in the West End (with the help of two amazing women!) and trying to keep it all straight in my head. I told a regular at the Cafe today I basically complete a triathlon in my head every day. I have insurance papers signed. I need to get laundry done. I have funds being transferred into accounts. I have to go back to the lawyer's office yet. I am getting things done at work. I am trying to 'train' someone (to temporarily take my place) who is only in when it works for his schedule and it does not really matter what I'm doing when he comes by. I have most of my stuff packed. I have a lot more to pack yet. I have bedding for my new bed. I need to find paint for the bedroom. I h...

Wow, what a day. I am honestly still in a bit of shock. I am in the last two weeks of my current job. It is a job I have loved and worked hard at. I love my staff. They truly bring me joy. They are witty, funny, kind, gracious, forgiving, understanding, hard working, caring and I could go on and on. I can not express enough how blessed I am to know them. For the past two and a half years I have run a small Cafe in the West End of Winnipeg. It is not the greatest area of the city but I love it. Customers at the Cafe are made up of white collar, blue collar and no collar. I love them all. They are witty, funny, kind, gracious, forgiving, understanding, caring and I could go on and on. However, my time is come to an end there. Yes, somewhat unexpectedly to me. But as I think about it, they why is not nearly as important as the how. The how you may ask? Yes, how. How do I exit well? How do I set things up to the best of my ability so all these people I care so much about do...

Well I have decided not to run for City Council. The biggest reason is I could not find a CGA soon enough. But maybe that was a sign I should not go forward with it. My dealings with City Council and City Hall have left me angry and frustrated. I am angry that people who are responsible for making laws to govern our city have NO interest in the truth. They give in to people who lie. They ask for NO accountability from those who spend OUR money. What is truly heartbreaking is the fact these people who have been elected or hired to make this city better for all really don't give a toss about my neighbours. They do not care at all about residents in the West End. We do not matter! Really?! Peter, who has no teeth and is schizophrenic, does not matter?! I beg to differ! If we do not see him at the Cafe at least once a day we worry about where he is. He matters! Does Heather not matter? She is recently separated from her husband and living on permanent disability. Does she...

Well I have decided to run for City Council. Maybe it is not politically correct to carry on a blog. Hmm, but why not? I would not consider myself political. I do consider myself politically interested. I am just an ordinary person who happens to love my neighbours. I look at them and smile. I look at them and weep. I look at them and rejoice. I look at them and wish I could do more for them. Not all of my neighbours live in poverty. There are a great many people who choose to live in this area because they too care about others as much as, if not more than, themselves. But surely poverty does not disqualify someone from deserving to be treated with respect and dignity. People 'begging' on the street have names. They have stories. They matter. Maybe if more people thought they matter, they could find a way up out of poverty. A lot can happen in a single day in my neighbourhood and I love it. Some days it is exciting. Some days it is tiring. Some days it is be...

Well I have graduated with my Masters degree. I have one final mark from my Theological Foundations class. It was a D+. Ha ha! I was so glad I passed! I will not go into details of why my mark was so low. I will say I was delighted to get some papers back from another class a week later to see I had a B+ and two A's. I have never been concerned with my grades. I know what I learn. I know what I take away. I am constantly filtering what I learn through the life I am living. How does this impact those I live and work with? How would it benefit them? How can I share this so it makes sense? I know what I believe. I love learning. Then I ran a half marathon yesterday. I will admit I am a bit stiff today. I only trained for a good two weeks. I do not recommend running a half marathon that way. So I ran/walked the first 8 miles but walked most of the last 5 miles. As I walked and my body was tired I kept thinking, there is no one else to get you across the finish line....

It has been almost a week since I submitted my final paper for my Masters degree. Wow. It seemed a bit anti-climatic as I was really the only one at the time who understood the magnitude of the moment. I had worked hard the week before my final class to make sure all papers were submitted. That way, when I walked out of the class I knew there was nothing more for me to do but wait. I will be honest and say I am nervous about some of my marks. That day, however, I did get some papers back from the course I took in March. It was a week long intesive course and I was driving from the West End to Providence each day. I had class from 8:30-3:30 from Monday to Friday. I was also incredibly sick. I had a horrible cough that made my whole body ache and gave me the worst headache I'd had in months! I was worried my marks would barely pass. I nervously looked at the papers in my mail slot in the Seminary. Surely they were not good enough to get more than 60%! I had to write them...

I am sitting here at 10:10 pm on Thursday evening. I have emailed my final paper and tomorrow present for the last time. I think I am managing to control enough emotion to be able to do this well. My BFF (I feel honoured to be able to call Tami that) suggested I share why I am so passionate about this. Maybe it is because I do not feel like a typical Masters student. Maybe it is because it has taken 15 years. Maybe it is because 'lesser' people would have given up by now. Or maybe it is because in the midst of all my struggles, I believe that what I am doing will somehow make the world around me better. I can be, in my opinion, incredibly selfish. Living and working in the West End of Winnipeg has really challenged that part of me. How could I be selfish?! It seems absurd. I have been given so much. Surely I should use that to bless others. That is really what I try to do. As a Cafe manager I try to do that with the customers who come in and 'my' staff. I care about the...

I have been a student for almost 20 years...in post secondary education. Never in my life have I faced so many obstacles to completing work. Last semester my bed bug situation turned my home (literally) upside down for a month. This delayed the completion of assignments. I turned in more late assignments last semester than I have in all my years of being a post secondary student! The result for one course was a 76 (still a B but well below my usual high 80s-mid 90s). Yikes! I was on campus at Providence all last week taking a course from 8:30-3:30 daily. I had the worst cold in years hit me full force on Monday and it is only now starting to ease. That affected my ability to concentrate and put clear thoughts together. I handed in most assignments there but have a 10-12 page paper yet. Maybe I can redeem myself there. As I walked off campus on Friday the reality of my potential accomplishment started to hit me. I have been working on my Masters degree for 15 years. I have wo...

I have to admit I'm too distracted to watch the Olympics. Some of the stories about the games is not at all interesting to me. I just care about the athletes and who is doing what in the different sports. However, the fact the games are in Vancouver means there is once again a spotlight on the sex trade in the downtown East Side. Watching it makes my heart ache for the women in the sex trade and the children they sometimes leave behind. I appreciated how the National presented the story of one young girl whose mother's DNA was found on Robert Pickton's farm. Imagine losing your mother like that! What frustrates me greatly is the fact many people assume women are in the sex trade because they like sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have yet to meet a woman in the sex trade because she truly chooses to be there. It has reminded me of the vision I have to start an outreach here in the West End. It is an idea I have had since February 2006 when I woke up to a woman...

Phew. I'm glad it is Friday. I can relax about work until Monday. Tonight I will even be able to get a proper night sleep...I hope. For a couple of weeks now my skin has been 'breaking out'. It has been itchy beyond belief on my legs and arms. I thought maybe I had a recurrence of bed bugs but oculd never find them in my bed. Then yesterday, after almost no sleep the night beofre, I found one walking on my bed! I was distraught to say the least. I was also exhausted from all the insanity caused by the people in a suite in the basement. I had to call the police to break up fights going on outside. I was at the end of my rope. I was so close to a breakdown. I am not even kidding about that! My dear friend Janine rescued me long enough to go for dinner. It was the sanity break I needed and when I came home there was a security guard at the door. He stayed all night in the building and suddenly it was quiet! I also slept on my sofa and got an amazing sleep. So t...

I have to say I hate poverty and how it often leads to child neglect. I love living in this area of Winnipeg because I believe it gives me a chance to make a difference for the better. I believe the people who live here are worth time and effort. They are worth relationship. I believe that even more when it comes to children. I see glimpses of poverty all around me. I see children in my Cafe who regularly eat only one or two meals a day. Often the food they eat is junk. I hate that the local Safeway store charges twice the price as Superstore for some vegetables and fruit. Chips and pop are always on sale at the front of the store, along with sugar cereals and cookies. Over the past couple of weeks a group of five young boys (I would guess they are all under the age of 12) have been running all through the building. Sound travels well. Twice now I've stopped them in the hallway and used my 'stern voice' telling them the halls are not a playground. Today I was going to the b...

Is it really Sunday night?! It has been a crazy week. Today was the first uneventful day. But I was a bit emotional as a result of the past six days. I don't know what it was. It felt like I was being attacked at every turn. It started Monday and didn't let up until today. I had more than one person yell at me this week. Really? Am I that horrible? I started to feel like I was. It felt as though I was just making a mess of everything. Then there was the fire in the kitchen at the Cafe. I think that was Wednesday morning. It all happened, was put out and almost cleaned up before we opened at 8. I hate fire. I have a fear of fire (and drowning). But Tony, my head cook, was calm and collected as he dealt with it. I just stood there watching, trying to think if there was anything else I could do. Afterwards he said he was calm because I was calm. I was calm because he was calm. Although, as manager of the Cafe I feel I should always remain calm and professional....

So tomorrow is the first day of my last semester at Providence Theological Seminary. I am a wee bit nervous partly because I am not sure who else will be in the class and I have to drive out there so early in the morning. You would think it was my first time ever walking into a new situation. It is not the newness of school. It is more the newness of another class with people I do not know and probably won't know very well after the course is finished. I am sure they are all great people. I am just never on campus and am so busy between classes even my family hardly sees me. I also tend to think differently than a lot of my fellow students. I have, over the years, had many people disagree strongly with me on things. Fortunately I am right. Although it isn't about being right. It is about a proper view of education. I am not seeking more education so I can be better than others. Nor do I believe it elevates me in society in any way. I am pursing further education because I want ...

Today we had a special dinner at the Ellice Cafe. We treated some of our special customers to a turkey dinner. It went really well!! I am blessed to serve some of the best people in the city. Over many years of living and working in inner cities (both here and in Dublin) I have learned that beggers can be choosers. Most of these people today do not beg. Some do. Yet every single person was thankful for everything we offered. Not one person had any sort of complaint. They were blessed and so was I. As tired as I am I am also refreshed. I also had a wonderful group of volunteers. One of the volunteers is also an employee at the Cafe. I offered to give her a lift home as it can be difficult to get a bus to where she was going late on a Sunday. We were walking to my car, between two buildings, when a young guy ran past us. I thought he must be running from something. I may be a 'square white woman' from a middle class background but I have lived long enough to know guys in hoodies ...

I finished all my assignments for my course last night. That means I am officially free from homework until next week. Wow! It feels great! Of course, tomorrow I am putting on a special dinner at the Cafe for some of our special regular customers (and others from the community who might need an extra blessing). But it is not feeling like work at the moment. I am very relaxed. I have a week to catch up with friends, read, knit and tidy my home. So that is what I did today. I also wasted time on Facebook and had a nap. These are little things I don't have a lot of time for when studying but enjoy when I can. How frivolous! So three more courses and I will graduate with my MA Global Studies from Providence Theological Seminary. There feels like a lot of work is standing between me and graduation so I'm only mildly excited. But when I think about it, it is a major accomplishment, especially for me. I have taken 15 years to complete this degree. Health, travel, living overseas, livi...

I think everyone who lives in the West End should live in a flat at some point. Ok, maybe if you are single. I do not have children so I do not have as many points of connection with people in the community. Well I don't think I do. Yes, I run a local Cafe and know a lot of people who live in the area. I also know a lot of people who come to visit the area. Maybe I'm a bit of a West End Ambassador. Hmm, I never thought of that! I like that! But you truly connect with people when you share some common space with them. That is partly why I sit in the laundry room in my building when doing laundry. This is a much better laundry situation than the building I lived in on Furby. Or I assume it is. I never went into the basement of that building. Having bed bugs in my suite a few months ago also helped me connect with people. It is always the little things that mean the most. I'm not entirely kidding about that. Sometimes I am tired, however, of sharing space. The guy living next ...