A wee bit of BS

I am sitting here in my warm house with an eggnog latte beside me. It is a warm comfort of winter I enjoy. It is dark much earlier now and the weather has cooled considerably. Winter seemed to hit us literally overnight but the past few days it has warmed up melting some snow. I can currently see some of the grass in my yard. Yet when the temperature dipped below -15 and the north wind picked up, I was tempted to stay inside more. I would be outside simply to go to work and come home. I ordered groceries online for delivery saving me the struggle of getting heavy, bulky groceries home by bus. I also had a cold that seemed to hang around for over a month. The cough that came with it did not help. My apologies to everyone who rode a bus with me and had to listen to it. Thank you to the kind woman who handed me a cough candy one especially bad trip. All of this got me to thinking about how easy it is to hibernate in winter. It also got me thinking about how easy it can be for us t...

I am 44. I am happily 44. I am single. I am happily single. I am short. I am (mostly) happily short. I am a middle child. I am adopted. I am thankful. When I was a child/teenager I played a few sports. I played soccer, field hockey (mostly because my mum is from Australia and I wanted to play it to feel closer to her), and rugby. I wish I loved running then like I do now. I am not gifted athletically. Not at all. I played because I wanted to try. I wanted to challenge myself. Then my health situation changed. Sixteen days after my 24th birthday I had my first surgery. I had never been very ill in my life. Suddenly everything changed. I remember walking into the hospital very early that morning. I barely remember the next five days. This changed my life dramatically. It changed mostly because absolutely nothing went right. Two surgeries three months apart became eight surgeries over ten years. Months after my sixth surgery, in Dublin, I remember going to the gym with co-workers. I...

I have been on holiday this past week. Well it feels less like a holiday and more simply that I did not have to go into work for the week. I did not do much that would count as exciting or even much that was fun. It has been a very long time since I have been able to take time off work and simply be. It has been years in fact. My financial situation is greatly improved but I still have a ways to go before I have fully recovered from almost four years of poverty level income.  Yet this week has given me time to rest and reflect on many things that needed time. This summer I have been to two funerals. One for a woman who had cancer for many years and was mourned but celebrated at the end of a life well lived. She was a force and loved by many. She was also able to live a full life and enjoy the love of her family and friends.  The second funeral was for the eldest son of a friend. He died very suddenly and completely unexpectedly. He was healthy and happy. His whole l...

I do not have a vehicle so I do not often get to my church on Sunday. I wish I could go every week but alas, it is not meant to be. Yet when I go, I sit in the same spot every time. This is not at all because I feel entitled to that spot. It is only because I am short and when I sit in this one spot I rarely have anyone sit in front of me to block my view. You see, when I do get to church, I see it as an hour of my week that does not require me to do anything for anyone. I can simply sit. I can be. I can wait. I can listen. I can learn. I can worship. For one hour of my week no one is asking anything of me. Instead I am receiving. Life can often be like that though for all of us in many ways. We choose our 'spot' and sit there. We stay there. We feel we own it. It is OURS. Heaven help someone who dares step into our claimed space. We all have our reasons for being where we are. Then I had a change of mindset. It happened the other night as I sat on my deck. I have a long an...

I spent a good bit of time over the weekend with my BFF. I have a few friends I would call best friends but only one I would call my BFF. We have known each other for over 25 years. We have walked with each other through heartbreaks, health problems, relationships, children, indescribable loss, and more. She knows me better than anyone, mostly because she stuck around and was determined to. I have been reading a book lately that I am finding transformative. It is "Present Over Perfect" by Shauna Niequist. I am not about to write a book review here as I am only 50 pages in. Yet each page is challenging me. One of the greatest challenges it is presenting is my willingness to be uncomfortable. This weekend, Tami (my BFF), and I were talking a bit about this. As I get older (and at 44 I do not consider myself even close to being old), I find I gain a better perspective on things. I am also finding my outlook changes as my circumstances improve. I have shared before about how ...

I am finally ready to sit and write this piece. It has been 'bouncing' around in my head for months now but seemed appropriate to write today. I also looked at the last time I wrote and realize it has been longer than I thought. Today seemed the best time to write because it involves something my mother said to me when I was a teenager. She does not know it, but one thing she said to me altered me completely, and forever. I have said this before, I was adopted. I was adopted at one week old. My mum and dad had already adopted my brother not long before that and I remember my mum saying she was surprised they 'got a call about a girl' as everyone at that time wanted a girl. (Back in the early 70's when I was born, many parents did not talk about adoption. They were allowed to come and see a child before deciding if they wanted to adopt. Many, so I am told, chose babies that 'looked like them' so they could hide the fact the child was adopted. Not my paren...

Today is Bell Let's Talk day. It is a day to help raise awareness around mental health as well as encourage people to get the help and find supports. I remember my first battle with depression. It was big. It was deep. I felt I would never get out of it. In fact, in the winter of 1997/98 I wanted to end it all. It was my first experience with what I call situational depression. It was dark. It was lonely. It was hard. I was diagnosed with a hereditary disease in my early 20's. It required surgery to remove my colon completely to prevent cancer. It was supposed to be two surgeries three months apart with the first one being December 20, 1996. There would be a longer recovery time but then life would go on. It did not happen that way. In fact, nothing went right. Fast forward to that winter when I was told I had to wait six weeks for a CT Scan. I needed the scan before my final surgery would take place. It felt like my entire life was on hold. I saw no future. I had no pl...

I have only been a bridesmaid a few times in my life. That is a good thing as I am a terrible help to a bride. I really have little knowledge or interest in the intricate planning that goes into a wedding. I am delighted for friends who get married, don't get me wrong. Weddings have never been a big deal to me though. So when asked to be in a wedding I say yes, because it is not about me, it is about my friend getting married. I should also note, I take my commitment to the couple very seriously when I do say yes to being a part of the wedding party. For me, it is less about the day and more about the lifetime the two are planning together. When I stand up at their wedding, I am also there saying I bless them, love them, and will always do everything I can to support them as a married couple. I also expect them to be married for a very long time. "Until death do them part..." It is a small part of wedding vows most people don't give my heed to. Death is usually a ...

It is January 2nd and I have been off work for ten days. It has been glorious. I have been incredibly lazy as well. Maybe the one is because of the other. Yet over the ten days I have learned to give myself permission to do as much or as little as I wanted to. I had great plans to get my home organized, read some books I have had at the top of my list for months, knit, spend time enjoying coffee at my favourite cafes, and running. Very little on that list has been accomplished. And I do not feel guilty about it at all. Usually people make resolutions at the start of a new year to improve themselves in big ways. We decide we want to eat healthier, lose weight, read more, spend more time with family and friends, drink more water, and on and on. Those are all great goals. For some of us though, the biggest mindset to change is the one we have towards ourselves. I am a list person. I like to write things down to help me remember, keep me focused, and create a sense of accomplishment....