I am 44. I am happily 44. I am single. I am happily single. I am short. I am (mostly) happily short. I am a middle child. I am adopted. I am thankful.
When I was a child/teenager I played a few sports. I played soccer, field hockey (mostly because my mum is from Australia and I wanted to play it to feel closer to her), and rugby. I wish I loved running then like I do now. I am not gifted athletically. Not at all. I played because I wanted to try. I wanted to challenge myself.
Then my health situation changed. Sixteen days after my 24th birthday I had my first surgery. I had never been very ill in my life. Suddenly everything changed. I remember walking into the hospital very early that morning. I barely remember the next five days. This changed my life dramatically. It changed mostly because absolutely nothing went right. Two surgeries three months apart became eight surgeries over ten years.
Months after my sixth surgery, in Dublin, I remember going to the gym with co-workers. I wanted to do something to be more active but had to be careful. The trainer at the gym told me I could not do anything that involved lifting weight. I could only do cardio. No problem I thought. I loved cycling as a kid. So I hopped on a stationery bike only to discover I hated it. Next, I tried the elliptical machine only to discover I was not coordinated enough to enjoy it. That left me with the treadmill. Ugh I thought. Really? But I stepped up and had a go. Walking was boring. I upped the speed slowly. It was not long before I was jogging at an easy pace. What happened to me? I suddenly discovered I loved running.
Over the next months and years I ran. I ran regularly. I had more health issues but eventually I was in a place where I could train for a half marathon. This seemed absurd to me and yet was an exciting thought. I was back here in Winnipeg and decided the WPS Half Marathon was the best place for me to start. I trained for over four months. I was ready. I was fit. I was happy. I was healthy. I ran the half marathon with a very good and patient friend. You see, I am not the greatest runner. I have mild asthma that flares up when I exercise. I have had multiple surgeries that leave me altered enough to affect my running. But I ran. I finished. I was elated. I was proud.
One of the best things about running, to me, is the fact I am my only competition. I can be a runner just like everyone else even if it takes me over two and a half hours to finish a half marathon. If you are a runner out running and you pass other runners, they will acknowledge you as 'one of their own.' You are a runner. Full stop.
Then I stopped. Life took some nasty, difficult turns. It took everything in me to get through the day. My life was consumed with merely surviving. It was not long before I realised I WAS a runner. Past tense. I could not say I AM a runner.
Something that once brought me so much joy now only reminded me of who I was. I was no longer that fit person. I gave in to the notion that I was no longer a true runner. I was, now I am not. The medals from past runs meant nothing any longer. I was defining myself by what I was not.
This mindset permeated every part of me. That is, until recently. This week I decided enough is enough. Enough of 'was.' I am. I am here. I am healthy. I am ready. I am confident. I want to be a runner again. So today I ran. I did not run far or fast (I did a couple of miles on my treadmill.) But I ran. Today, once again, I became a runner.
It shook me out of the thinking that was could never be again. Of course it can. I can be better. I can change. I can be who I believe I am meant to be. Sure, I was a runner. If I let it, my past can propel my future through my present. I can be a runner again.
Today was became is. That was not an easy change. It took weeks and months of changing my thinking. Weeks and months of believing. Weeks and months of healing.
So if you have a memory of who you were, remind yourself of who you can also be. As long as we are alive, we can hope. We can plan. We can dream. We can create.
If you are not ready to run, that is ok. You can start with walking. It just takes one small step after another. Do not let who you were define who you are.
When I was a child/teenager I played a few sports. I played soccer, field hockey (mostly because my mum is from Australia and I wanted to play it to feel closer to her), and rugby. I wish I loved running then like I do now. I am not gifted athletically. Not at all. I played because I wanted to try. I wanted to challenge myself.
Then my health situation changed. Sixteen days after my 24th birthday I had my first surgery. I had never been very ill in my life. Suddenly everything changed. I remember walking into the hospital very early that morning. I barely remember the next five days. This changed my life dramatically. It changed mostly because absolutely nothing went right. Two surgeries three months apart became eight surgeries over ten years.
Months after my sixth surgery, in Dublin, I remember going to the gym with co-workers. I wanted to do something to be more active but had to be careful. The trainer at the gym told me I could not do anything that involved lifting weight. I could only do cardio. No problem I thought. I loved cycling as a kid. So I hopped on a stationery bike only to discover I hated it. Next, I tried the elliptical machine only to discover I was not coordinated enough to enjoy it. That left me with the treadmill. Ugh I thought. Really? But I stepped up and had a go. Walking was boring. I upped the speed slowly. It was not long before I was jogging at an easy pace. What happened to me? I suddenly discovered I loved running.
Over the next months and years I ran. I ran regularly. I had more health issues but eventually I was in a place where I could train for a half marathon. This seemed absurd to me and yet was an exciting thought. I was back here in Winnipeg and decided the WPS Half Marathon was the best place for me to start. I trained for over four months. I was ready. I was fit. I was happy. I was healthy. I ran the half marathon with a very good and patient friend. You see, I am not the greatest runner. I have mild asthma that flares up when I exercise. I have had multiple surgeries that leave me altered enough to affect my running. But I ran. I finished. I was elated. I was proud.
One of the best things about running, to me, is the fact I am my only competition. I can be a runner just like everyone else even if it takes me over two and a half hours to finish a half marathon. If you are a runner out running and you pass other runners, they will acknowledge you as 'one of their own.' You are a runner. Full stop.
Then I stopped. Life took some nasty, difficult turns. It took everything in me to get through the day. My life was consumed with merely surviving. It was not long before I realised I WAS a runner. Past tense. I could not say I AM a runner.
Something that once brought me so much joy now only reminded me of who I was. I was no longer that fit person. I gave in to the notion that I was no longer a true runner. I was, now I am not. The medals from past runs meant nothing any longer. I was defining myself by what I was not.
This mindset permeated every part of me. That is, until recently. This week I decided enough is enough. Enough of 'was.' I am. I am here. I am healthy. I am ready. I am confident. I want to be a runner again. So today I ran. I did not run far or fast (I did a couple of miles on my treadmill.) But I ran. Today, once again, I became a runner.
It shook me out of the thinking that was could never be again. Of course it can. I can be better. I can change. I can be who I believe I am meant to be. Sure, I was a runner. If I let it, my past can propel my future through my present. I can be a runner again.
Today was became is. That was not an easy change. It took weeks and months of changing my thinking. Weeks and months of believing. Weeks and months of healing.
So if you have a memory of who you were, remind yourself of who you can also be. As long as we are alive, we can hope. We can plan. We can dream. We can create.
If you are not ready to run, that is ok. You can start with walking. It just takes one small step after another. Do not let who you were define who you are.
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