Today is Bell Let's Talk day. It is a day to help raise awareness around mental health as well as encourage people to get the help and find supports.
I remember my first battle with depression. It was big. It was deep. I felt I would never get out of it. In fact, in the winter of 1997/98 I wanted to end it all.
It was my first experience with what I call situational depression. It was dark. It was lonely. It was hard.
I was diagnosed with a hereditary disease in my early 20's. It required surgery to remove my colon completely to prevent cancer. It was supposed to be two surgeries three months apart with the first one being December 20, 1996. There would be a longer recovery time but then life would go on. It did not happen that way. In fact, nothing went right.
Fast forward to that winter when I was told I had to wait six weeks for a CT Scan. I needed the scan before my final surgery would take place. It felt like my entire life was on hold. I saw no future. I had no plans because I had to wait.
It was a cold January night when I thought I could end it all. It was going to be simple. I would drive my white car out of the city somewhere and park in a snow covered field where no one would see it easily. I would take some sleeping pills, go to sleep and never wake up.
Obviously I never did. Amazingly, the next day I had a phone call from my surgeon's office saying I had a scan booked for the following week.
Eventually I had my surgery. Life went on. There were many more health struggles along the way, but after my surgery that year the depression lifted. However, it did not stay away.
I am not a trained mental health professional or a medical professional of any sort. What I believe is from experience as well as reading. I can tell you this confidently, once depression hits, if it leaves, it will find an easier way in the next time.
I have battled situational depression four times since then. One period in my life saw the depression stick around for a year. It took three years to heal from the experience that brought it on. Every time it leaves I feel a bit weaker and yet a bit stronger at the same time. I am aware of it. I know what to look for. I know when it arrives. I know when it leaves.
I will be honest and say I have also contemplated suicide once more since 1998. This is something I do not share lightly. I also have not shared before because of fear, if I'm being completely honest. Fear of what others would think. Fear of what political opponents would say, fear of people thinking I was making it up, or worse, that I was selfish and weak.
Sitting here now, in very different circumstances than those two nights, I am amazed I felt to despondent. I had absolutely no hope. I felt alone, incredibly alone. Yet the next day I woke up. Life carried on. I had to find a way out of the pit I was in. Eventually I did. It took time. It took being honest with some trusted friends. It took work. It took commitment to keep moving forward, even if some days it was barely a step.
As I sit here now I forget a lot of the hardship I have gone through over the years. Surely things were not THAT bad. Surely they were tough but not overwhelming. But they were. And here I am in spite of them. I am here. Alive. Active. Working. Living. Even enjoying life.
My mantra in the midst of depression became 'Make it to bedtime.' I knew if I could just make it to bedtime all would be better in the morning. Morning was always better. Each day represented a fresh start, a new opportunity for change.
If you find you are struggling to hang on in difficult circumstances, know you are not alone. It can be difficult, if not impossible to ask for help. The link below has a list of resources available to you if you need to talk to someone. There are people out there waiting for you to phone. If you need help, it is there.
Mental health is just as, if not more, important than our physical health. Our whole existence flows from it. If we are discouraged, we are less likely to take care of our physical self. Take care of your mental health. You are absolutely worth it.
http://mbwpg.cmha.ca/phone-numbers/
I remember my first battle with depression. It was big. It was deep. I felt I would never get out of it. In fact, in the winter of 1997/98 I wanted to end it all.
It was my first experience with what I call situational depression. It was dark. It was lonely. It was hard.
I was diagnosed with a hereditary disease in my early 20's. It required surgery to remove my colon completely to prevent cancer. It was supposed to be two surgeries three months apart with the first one being December 20, 1996. There would be a longer recovery time but then life would go on. It did not happen that way. In fact, nothing went right.
Fast forward to that winter when I was told I had to wait six weeks for a CT Scan. I needed the scan before my final surgery would take place. It felt like my entire life was on hold. I saw no future. I had no plans because I had to wait.
It was a cold January night when I thought I could end it all. It was going to be simple. I would drive my white car out of the city somewhere and park in a snow covered field where no one would see it easily. I would take some sleeping pills, go to sleep and never wake up.
Obviously I never did. Amazingly, the next day I had a phone call from my surgeon's office saying I had a scan booked for the following week.
Eventually I had my surgery. Life went on. There were many more health struggles along the way, but after my surgery that year the depression lifted. However, it did not stay away.
I am not a trained mental health professional or a medical professional of any sort. What I believe is from experience as well as reading. I can tell you this confidently, once depression hits, if it leaves, it will find an easier way in the next time.
I have battled situational depression four times since then. One period in my life saw the depression stick around for a year. It took three years to heal from the experience that brought it on. Every time it leaves I feel a bit weaker and yet a bit stronger at the same time. I am aware of it. I know what to look for. I know when it arrives. I know when it leaves.
I will be honest and say I have also contemplated suicide once more since 1998. This is something I do not share lightly. I also have not shared before because of fear, if I'm being completely honest. Fear of what others would think. Fear of what political opponents would say, fear of people thinking I was making it up, or worse, that I was selfish and weak.
Sitting here now, in very different circumstances than those two nights, I am amazed I felt to despondent. I had absolutely no hope. I felt alone, incredibly alone. Yet the next day I woke up. Life carried on. I had to find a way out of the pit I was in. Eventually I did. It took time. It took being honest with some trusted friends. It took work. It took commitment to keep moving forward, even if some days it was barely a step.
As I sit here now I forget a lot of the hardship I have gone through over the years. Surely things were not THAT bad. Surely they were tough but not overwhelming. But they were. And here I am in spite of them. I am here. Alive. Active. Working. Living. Even enjoying life.
My mantra in the midst of depression became 'Make it to bedtime.' I knew if I could just make it to bedtime all would be better in the morning. Morning was always better. Each day represented a fresh start, a new opportunity for change.
If you find you are struggling to hang on in difficult circumstances, know you are not alone. It can be difficult, if not impossible to ask for help. The link below has a list of resources available to you if you need to talk to someone. There are people out there waiting for you to phone. If you need help, it is there.
Mental health is just as, if not more, important than our physical health. Our whole existence flows from it. If we are discouraged, we are less likely to take care of our physical self. Take care of your mental health. You are absolutely worth it.
http://mbwpg.cmha.ca/phone-numbers/
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou picked a hell of a night for me to wander into this, just so you know. One of these days I will get back to writing, because as I's said before, to a number of my students, "It's better to drag your demons out of the dark dusty corners of your mind, sometimes... expose them to the light of day, in all its brilliance... it is anathema to them, and they will wither and die, powerless over you and who you want to be."
So, again, thank you, for this timely bit of advice.