Mother's Day is coming up (in Canada...when I lived in Ireland it was celebrated weeks earlier). My thoughts always turn to my many friends with children they hold in their arms and those who can only hold them in their hearts.
I have been blessed with many friends in my life. What is even more amazing is how many friends I have with children. Add to that the blessing of being in the lives of these children. My best friend (who is one of the most amazing mothers I know!) has five children. Her middle son, now 7, was a tough one when he was little. It took two years of 'investing' in him to get him to see me as an acceptable alternative to mum. I would go over ready to play, hug, listen, hold. Yet he only wanted mum. Sigh. I did not give up! Then the day came when it finally paid off and I received random hugs. Since then, this boy is always the first to come running when I pull up in the drive. He always takes me by the hand at some point to show me something. I cannot tell you how much this blesses my heart! A few weeks ago he said to me - "Remember when you used to kiss us to death?" Yes, as a matter of fact I do. His comment also reminded me that even though children grow, they never cease needing love.
Yet I also have many friends (literally too many to count) who have had miscarriages. Some later had children. Some did not. Some turned to adoption. Some still wait and wonder if their home will be blessed with little ones.
As a Christian, I often avoid church on Mother's Day. I do not mind that I do not have children. Really, I do not. My issue is more that as a single woman, without children, I already feel a bit out of place in church. Usually it is not a big deal. On Mother's Day it is more so because it is a celebration of many things I will never have. Even though I love my life and accept it as it is, I suddenly feel like it is less than the best. And less than what is expected of me.
I also sit in church on Mother's Day and wonder how many women sitting around me secretly grieve. I see them. I understand they have stories. I also know they are mothers even though they were never able to hold their children. I see those who want children but have never been able to get pregnant at all. I see those who do not want children. I see those who had a child they were not able to raise and someone else now does.
I was one of those children. My birth mother was too young to raise me. So I was adopted by a very loving couple who were (at the time) unable to have 'children of their own.' I'm not sure what that means. As an adopted child I felt my parents were very much my parents. They loved me. They tucked me in at night. They kissed my knee better when I fell off my bike. They scolded me. They taught me. They raised me. Sheesh, what more does it take to be a real parent?!
Although it was great growing up being adopted because friends would tell me they used to tease their siblings by saying they were adopted. I would look at them and say-"So what. I'm adopted. Is there something wrong with that?" Kids used to ask me what it was like to be adopted. I had no idea. What is it like to be loved by your parents?
I tend to look at Mother's Day as a celebration of women who do the hardest and most important job in the world. I have worked with children in some horrible situations in my day. Yet the one person they always believed - their mother. It did not matter how neglectful that mother was.
So I will celebrate Mother's Day by telling all those women with children how amazing they are for choosing to love little people. I will also pray for those who grieve and long. May your hearts find strength to carry on. May you find peace as you wait. May you find healing in your loss. You are not alone. You are not forgotten. You are not less than.
I will also thank my mumsy for not 'sending back' her colicky, red-headed baby who did not let her sleep for three months. Thank you for loving me even though I "did not grow under your heart but in it."
I have been blessed with many friends in my life. What is even more amazing is how many friends I have with children. Add to that the blessing of being in the lives of these children. My best friend (who is one of the most amazing mothers I know!) has five children. Her middle son, now 7, was a tough one when he was little. It took two years of 'investing' in him to get him to see me as an acceptable alternative to mum. I would go over ready to play, hug, listen, hold. Yet he only wanted mum. Sigh. I did not give up! Then the day came when it finally paid off and I received random hugs. Since then, this boy is always the first to come running when I pull up in the drive. He always takes me by the hand at some point to show me something. I cannot tell you how much this blesses my heart! A few weeks ago he said to me - "Remember when you used to kiss us to death?" Yes, as a matter of fact I do. His comment also reminded me that even though children grow, they never cease needing love.
Yet I also have many friends (literally too many to count) who have had miscarriages. Some later had children. Some did not. Some turned to adoption. Some still wait and wonder if their home will be blessed with little ones.
As a Christian, I often avoid church on Mother's Day. I do not mind that I do not have children. Really, I do not. My issue is more that as a single woman, without children, I already feel a bit out of place in church. Usually it is not a big deal. On Mother's Day it is more so because it is a celebration of many things I will never have. Even though I love my life and accept it as it is, I suddenly feel like it is less than the best. And less than what is expected of me.
I also sit in church on Mother's Day and wonder how many women sitting around me secretly grieve. I see them. I understand they have stories. I also know they are mothers even though they were never able to hold their children. I see those who want children but have never been able to get pregnant at all. I see those who do not want children. I see those who had a child they were not able to raise and someone else now does.
I was one of those children. My birth mother was too young to raise me. So I was adopted by a very loving couple who were (at the time) unable to have 'children of their own.' I'm not sure what that means. As an adopted child I felt my parents were very much my parents. They loved me. They tucked me in at night. They kissed my knee better when I fell off my bike. They scolded me. They taught me. They raised me. Sheesh, what more does it take to be a real parent?!
Although it was great growing up being adopted because friends would tell me they used to tease their siblings by saying they were adopted. I would look at them and say-"So what. I'm adopted. Is there something wrong with that?" Kids used to ask me what it was like to be adopted. I had no idea. What is it like to be loved by your parents?
I tend to look at Mother's Day as a celebration of women who do the hardest and most important job in the world. I have worked with children in some horrible situations in my day. Yet the one person they always believed - their mother. It did not matter how neglectful that mother was.
So I will celebrate Mother's Day by telling all those women with children how amazing they are for choosing to love little people. I will also pray for those who grieve and long. May your hearts find strength to carry on. May you find peace as you wait. May you find healing in your loss. You are not alone. You are not forgotten. You are not less than.
I will also thank my mumsy for not 'sending back' her colicky, red-headed baby who did not let her sleep for three months. Thank you for loving me even though I "did not grow under your heart but in it."
Well done Belinda.
ReplyDeleteI think you are fabulous the way you are, but I hear you. I am more than happy with having become a parent by adoption, but sometimes I still occasionally feel sad about a miscarriage I had years before David blessed me with his presence, and wonder what might have been. I think it's quite normal. I don't know your mum, but I bet I'd like her, because she raised you. Plus, I think she'd get my annoyance at the concept of "children of your own," because last I checked, the kid in the next room WAS a child of my own! I feed him, clothe him, and love him. That's good enough for me!
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's day to you and your Mum, and keep being a blessing to, and blessed by, all the wee ones in your life.
Thank you Belinda, well put. While it at first struck me as odd that Russians had no Mother's Day--or Valentines Day for that matter--I came to appreciate the inclusiveness of their celebration of Women's Day.
ReplyDeleteI just hate when I hear on a news cast, or read in the paper that the person they are talking about "is adopted". What difference does that make. A child is a child is a child. I am extremely grateful for my TWO adopted children, and the natural one that I was not supposed to have. I can also relate to the empty arm women too. I also lost a little girl one hour after birth. Few things in life are more painful than going home from the hospital with empty arms.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine the pain of giving birth to a child who dies or giving birth to a child whom you can no longer hold because she goes to another family, I am SO very thankful for a birth mother who thought so much of me and a mum who decided her heart was big enough to let me in as her own.
ReplyDelete