Forgiveness

A little while ago someone asked if I would write about forgiveness. Sure, I said. First the idea needs to percolate a bit in my head and heart. I cannot force words on the page. They have to flow, they have to be honest, and they have to be true.

Forgiveness is a huge subject for all of us. We have all been hurt, intentionally or unintentionally, by others. We have been let down. We have been taken advantage of. We have been ignored. We have been bullied. We have been insulted. We have been abused. Maybe not all of us have experienced all of these situations, but we have all been hurt by another. We have also hurt others. I would argue we all need to forgive and be forgiven.

Before writing more about what forgiveness is and how it plays out in life, it is important to say what it is not. It is not simply forgetting. It is not saying what someone did was ok. It is not simply allowing hurts to continue. It is certainly not in any way saying abuse of any kind is ok.

It is simply, to start, a choice.

I have had three significantly hurtful work relationships in the past twenty years. They were at least a year long. They were with people I had regular contact with. They were with people in a position of authority over me. In some cases the authority was minimal but it was authority nonetheless. It was authority the people all used as justification to bully me, blame me for their shortcomings, demean me, belittle me, and wear me down. There can be a fine line between correcting and controlling. When you correct, you are working with the person as they are and helping them do a better job. When you control, you are refusing to let them be who they are and using your position to make them who you want or need them to be. Who you want them to be is often less than who they are. It is always done out of fear and insecurity.

At the end of all these work relationships I was left picking up the pieces of who I was and left looking for work, because eventually, I stood up to the bullies and that is something they do not tolerate.

In one instance, the hurt and damage was so deep it took three years to heal. After that experience I vowed to never let it happen to me again or to be someone who treated others that way. I was determined. It did happen again, not once, but twice more. Each time though, it was a bit easier to 'bounce back'. Each time I learned a lot more about who I am and what I am capable of. I learned a lot about grace. I learned a lot about strength.

I also learned that forgiveness needs to be a part of the healing process. That has been the most difficult part of these experiences. I will be honest, it is not an easy thing for me to do. Just as it is difficult at times to admit mistakes and ask forgiveness, it is hard to forgive those who hurt us. Even more difficult is forgiving someone who admits to no wrong.

Yet forgiveness is less about the person harming and more about the one harmed. When I have asked forgiveness of others, it is less about me and more about them. I am truly sorry when I realize I have hurt someone. I want to build people up. I want to help people be the best they can. It is about their healing. I cannot force people to forgive me but in asking for forgiveness, my hope is their healing can be helped.

Nor can I force myself to forgive. It is a process. The length of the process is greatly impacted by the depth of hurt. After three years of working through what happened in that first toxic work relationship I felt stronger, yet there was a weak spot still. That weak spot was caused by my inability to forgive. I had to re-learn what forgiveness meant. How did it look in this instance? How do I forgive someone who intentionally maligned me with no consequence to anyone but me? How do I forgive someone who, as far as I could tell, had no remorse?

I learned to forgive the same way everyone else does. I made a choice to start the journey. Forgiveness can be a simple choice or a long journey. In this instance it was a very long journey. It started with me being willing to accept the fact the person who hurt me will probably never come to the realization of what was done to me through that relationship. Forgiveness isn't about revenge. It is about freedom. I would never truly be free from the continuing hurt and pain if I did not choose to forgive.

I no longer have contact with any of those who hurt me. I came to realize there are times when it is ok to simply walk away, not wishing ill on anyone, and be free of them. Yet to truly be free I had to forgive. I had to let go of the need to hear an apology. I had to let go of the resentment I felt towards them.

We are all different. We are all unique. We learn in our own way. We heal in our own time.

I chose to no longer hold the 'offences' against them. Daily I choose again to not let their actions control my choices today. I choose daily to live my life in what is real and true. I choose to live my life as a person who tries to extend grace. I choose to live my life in freedom to be who I am, learning more about myself as I go, and not letting the insecurities of others shape me.

I have not perfected the process, just as I am not perfect. Some days it is easier to make those choices than others. Yet when I do, I know the day is much better not only for me, but for those I meet along the way.