Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Lately I have been tired. Tired of fake. Tired of artificial. Tired of disappointments. Tired of being let down. Tired of waiting for a bit of 'easy'. Tired. I have been giving a lot to a lot of people for a long time and was worried I had given too much. Had I hit a wall? Was I no longer able to have compassion or care about others?

Then I worried the problem was me. Was I too selfish? Was I too lazy? Did I have wrong expectations? Was I lacking? Was I artificial? Had I let too many people down? Had I disappointed people I care about?

I started to look at my life and 'dig deep' - even though I dislike that expression. What sort of friend have I been? What sort of community member have I been? Have I been as thoughtful as I want to be? Have I reached out to others as I want? Was I reaping what I was sowing? If so, what had I been sowing?

Then I read this blog post a friend shared today (the author is not a friend of mine but it spoke a bit to what I had been thinking) "Why It Doesn't Matter How You Feel About Your Friends". (Also, excuse the ad that pops up when you open it.)

This year I wrapped up some of my major volunteer roles. There were a few reasons for this. One being my work is about to get very busy and unpredictable and I would hate to leave others having to pick up my slack. Another is I want to focus more on "Hope Grows", my outreach to women in the sex trade in the West End.

I also wanted to be more focused with my energy. I want to be more intentional with my time, my talents (being as limited as they are), my energy, and my money (also being as limited as it is). I want to be more present when I am with people. I want to be more mindful. I want to be more thoughtful. I want to do things that are meaningful for people. I want my actions to be impactful.

I want to be a better friend. I want to invest more in the lives of my friends' children. I want deeper relationships with my family.

I believe it is OK for us to all step back for a bit at times. If we truly want to change the world for the better, and I also believe every person is capable of doing this in some unique way, then we need to know exactly what we want to change and how we want to help bring about that change. That does not happen if we do not take time to focus and create a plan. Reading it that way makes it sounds more logical than emotional. That is not my intent as it is a bit of both.

We matter. We matter because we are. We do not have greater value when we do more or have more or say more. We have value simply because we exist. What makes what we do impactful is who we are. Knowing ourselves well will help us serve others in a more meaningful way.

So I am now using this little break from major volunteering to discover who I am, what I want to do, and how I want to go about doing it. I want my actions to speak louder than my words.