Getting Up After Being Knocked Down

This post may be very similar to my last post. I hope it does not bore you.

I now feel I can share some more specifics about my life the past few years that may be of help to someone. Specifics about how low I felt I went and how dark days seemed.

That hard part is figuring out where to begin.

I have never been afraid to work. More than a few times in my life I have had three jobs at once. I have never felt above any type of job either. So when I suddenly found myself completely unemployed almost two years ago, I panicked, then started looking for work. I told everyone I could think of that I was looking. I applied for dozens of jobs. I told more people. I applied for more jobs.

I waited. Then I waited some more. Nothing. Then I had a few job interviews but still nothing. I should point out this was November. Anyone who has looked for work knows how impossible it can be to find work that close to Christmas. It is even harder after Christmas. Yet I never gave up.

I had some savings but not a lot. It was winter. I own my home. It did not take long for those savings to be used up. I found a part time job doing deliveries for a local store. It was part time but it was better than nothing.

Sitting here now it seems so distant. At the time, I could not sleep at night. My blood pressure was very high. My doctor prescribed medication I could not afford. I stressed about my stress. Grocery shopping became a challenge. So I turned it into a bit of a game. How far could I stretch my $40? Could I find deals to be able to afford protein AND dairy at the same time? What things could I buy that would make a lot of meals for little money? Rice became a good friend of mine. Cheese was like gold to me.

I found pieces of work here and there. My bank gave me a 'mortgage holiday' for a few payments. My church helped me pay hydro, water, and other bills. A few friends gave me gift cards for groceries.

Then the day came when I was more desperate than ever. I went to the mall to apply for jobs. Yes, I was in my 40's with two degrees and decades of work experience looking for work in a mall. I stopped by a friend's store first. She has been the manager there for many years. I worked with her off and on over a decade, over 20 years ago. We have been friends since. She gave me a job on the spot.

I was relieved and heartbroken at the same time. I was thankful for her kindness and lack of judgement. Surely I had done something to deserve the predicament I was in. Some days it felt like the more I tried to change my situation, the worse things became. How long before I was able to secure full time work?

I never had more than 20 hours a week at the mall job. That meant juggling bills every payday to try to keep my water, hydro, and phone from being disconnected. Then, the project I had been working on started up again. I would work four days a week in Transcona starting the end of May last year.

I remember getting my first paycheque. It was literally two days before my water, phone, and hydro would be disconnected. I cried with relief at being able to pay enough to prevent that. I cried with relief at having a bit more money. I cried with relief at having a job that was not stressful. I cried and cried and cried. Relief.

Some relief. Some ease. Things were still tight financially. I was behind and not getting ahead anytime soon. I found other work and had a few jobs again. Yet I was always feeling behind.

I would listen to friends talk about their holidays and inside be hurting and wanting to scream. I cannot remember the last time I had a holiday.

Friends would buy new cars and I would think how hard it was for me to have enough money each month for a bus pass.

Friends would go out for nice dinners and I would think how hard it was for me to make a nice dinner for myself at home.

Yet I never said anything. I did not want to be upset with friends who were enjoying their lives. Why shouldn't they go on holidays? Buy new vehicles? Go for nice dinners? I will admit, some days I fought resentment. I was determined to fight it though. So some days I just withdrew.

It was tiring and utterly exhausting 'living in poverty.' So when I fight against it for others, I know of what I speak. I know what it is like to not even come close to having enough. I know what it is like to still have everyone expecting the same from you. I know the isolation of not having enough. It became easier to 'hide' instead of explaining why I could not go for dinner with friends. Sorry, I had extra spending money last paycheque. Very few in my circles understand what that is like.

I will say this experience taught me a lot about others. People we expect to help us often won't. People we expect will care about our struggles often won't. Help will often come from unexpected places. Help will always be a blessing. It will also always be humbling.

I do not want to sound bitter here. I am not at all. Most people had no idea how tough things were for me. I also cannot speak to anyone else's intent or thoughts. I just say this because we should not get too discouraged when we do not get help from places we expect it. We are all responsible for ourselves, no one else.

Some help came to me anonymously. That was the most amazing of all.

But most importantly this experience taught me a lot about myself. I had to look long and hard at who I was and how I would respond to this seemingly never ending trial. Some days I did well. I would suggest most days I felt like a failure.

I also felt like a failure because I could not find work. Then I started to come across others like myself who were older, with lots of education and experience in the same position as I was. Knowing that helped ease some of my stress, pain, and frustration.

I share all of this in hopes it helps those who are feeling knocked down by life. This was possibly the hardest of all knock downs I have experienced in life. Yet here I am once again getting back up. How? Why?

Because I am more than my circumstances. I am more than my education and experience. I am more than what I own. I am more than what I cannot afford just as I am more than what I can afford.

In the midst of everything, I am still someone with hopes, dreams, and a passion to help others. I still care about those hurting around me. I still care about helping those who need it.

I also still care about my friends who are doing well. I care about them because they too are more than their education and experience. They are more than their circumstances. They are more than what they own. They are certainly more than what they can or cannot do for me when I am down.

I got up because I never gave up. Sometimes being stubborn is a good thing.

Do not give up. Whatever your circumstance, it will change. I do not know when. I do not know how. I do know it can. Do not hide from those who care about you. Try not to be discouraged if help does not come from where you think it should. We really have no idea what others are going through.

Do not give up because you too will get up.