Contentment

For most of my adult life I have always striven for contentment. Not happiness. Not having enough. Not being more. But being content. Being satisfied with what I have, who I am, and where life has me.

This has not always been easy. There have been many days when happiness seemed so far away I could not even imagine it. I did not have enough for all the bills needing to be paid. I did not have enough energy to help others as I wanted to. I had times when I have desperately wanted to be more than I am, better than I am, kinder, more patient, more compassionate, in better shape, better at remembering things, a better sister/daughter/aunt/cousin/friend. 

Actually, as I sit here typing I am amazed I have had any moments of contentment. Yet I have. I do. Even now. I am sitting here at my little desk tucked in the corner of my dining room. My VERY small laundry room is right behind me with the gentle hum of the dryer. I am content. I have no dirty dishes in my kitchen sink. All clean dishes are put away. My desk has a lot of stuff on it but it is all organized. Rubbish and recycling have been taken outside. My dining table is (mostly) clear of stuff. My home feels in a respectable order. 

These small things help me feel content. It reminds me that I have enough. I am enough. Nothing is perfect in my life. Yet it is good. I have been reminding myself lately about the importance of contentment. It grounds me. It keeps me sane. It helps me be more productive. 

This week, yes it is only Tuesday, has found a way to get on top of me with negative thoughts. It has been a bunch of little things happening that in and of themselves are not big things to deal with. However, one after the other after the other made them feel more like a waterfall of negativity. I admit, I got caught up in the downpour. 

That downpour exhausted me. So today I decided it is time to get out of the waterfall. I feel drier now and able to focus on the positive. I am able to focus again on the things that are right around me. There are things in my life that are good. When I stop to think of the good things first, it helps put the negative things in a better perspective. When I remind myself of those things in my life that help me, it makes those things that frustrate me or irritate me seem much smaller. 

I have shared in my past few blog posts about how much my life has improved this year. Some days I am still in awe of how much so. This week I took my eyes off that fact. I started to look at things that weren't exactly as I want them to be. I then allowed those things to provide the narrative for my whole existence. No wonder I woke up tired today. 

I am not perfect. Far from it. My home is not perfect. My job is not perfect. Every single relationship in my life is not perfect. Yet this is me, right here, today. For today, I am a work in progress but I am enough. My home has a five year plan of changes and repairs, but it is enough. My relationships ebb and flow but for today, they are enough for me, as I am for them. 

I cannot be all things to all people. Nor can I live up to the expectations of others, or of society. There is freedom in knowing that. That freedom can then lead to contentment. 

I may have shared this story before but it bears repeating. 

I absolutely LOVE sheep! I also lived in Ireland for three years where the youth I worked with thought I was mad for loving them so much. One of my coworkers knew a lot about sheep as they had them on their family farm. He once told me that when sheep are satisfied, they sit. Think about that for a moment before reading further. 

Now, back to my story....

A part of the work I did involved running camps for youth and families in the summer. I was always the leader for the older girls camp. I loved that part of my job. It was exhausting but one of the best things I have ever been a part of. 

One summer day we took the girls to the beach. There were about 25 girls plus all the leaders. I cannot remember how many there were but we made it to the beach in two mini buses and a mini van. Maybe a car came too. 

We parked in the car park at the beach and when the girls got out of the vehicles chaos erupted. They were familiar with the beach as we visited it every summer. The goal was to keep them together enough so none got lost, or drowned. It was quite the ordeal too with all the girls, leaders, bags of towels, food, etc to get from the car park to the beach. 

The girls were excited and very loud. They could not wait to get into the water. Most of the leaders were from overseas and quite overwhelmed. As leader, it was my job to help focus the girls on the rules, and encourage the leaders, helping them relax a little and enjoy the outing. 

Finally, everyone was organized and started down to the beach. I stayed back for a couple of minutes to enjoy the silence and sun. When I turned away from the beach and towards the vast hill behind the car park I noticed the hillside was scattered with sheep. I looked. Then I stared. I looked at every single sheep on that hill. I looked again. Why? Every single sheep was sitting. Every. Single. One. 

Suddenly I felt the most amazing sense of peace and contentment wash over me. I was surrounded by satisfied sheep. 

To this day, it is my favourite sheep story.

If life has you feeling overwhelmed, or stressed, or worried, maybe take a moment to sit. Find satisfaction somewhere. Find it somehow. It is there. When you see it, let it restore you. Let it heal you. Let it remind you that here at this moment, you too are enough.