A wee bit of BS

 It is a beautiful day here in Winnipeg. The sun is shining, it is warm, and the snow is melting. After what felt like a long winter, the hope of Spring feels like it is here at last. Our COVID numbers are down, and restrictions are lifting ever so slowly.  All in all, there is much to be thankful for today. Yet I am sad. I am not often one to share my sadness with others. Today though, I read a post on Facebook about why some people choose to 'go it alone'. Often it is because of past hurts and disappointments, or traumas. For me, I think I just didn't want to burden people with my feelings or needs. Why would anyone want to hear about how I am doing? Or why would anyone want to help me?  So today I am sitting here owning my sadness. I am sharing not to get sympathy, but rather to let others know you are not alone if you too are feeling sad. We may have very different reasons why we are, but emotions are not a competition. My sadness is no greater or less than yours. You...

 I wish I had a dollar for every COVID meme I have seen on social media this year. It seems 2020 is a year none of us expected. Each day feels uncertain and can easily take us on a roller coaster of emotions.  I see many on social media (because I do not see people in person any more) worried or stressed or finding ways to be thankful. Some are working from home. Some are working as usual. Some have found themselves unemployed.  Parents are struggling to balance their work and the schoolwork of children. How do you keep the house clean? How do you keep the fridge stocked? How do you manage to remember what day of the week it is? When was the last time you wore pants?  For me, the hardest part of it all is the complete disconnection from people. I know others are struggling but I cannot see it, and I cannot help in a meaningful way. I cannot go to a friend's home and do her laundry, empty her dishwasher, tidy her kitchen, and make fresh coffee whilst she sits to catch...

Over the past week and a half I have felt 'busy'. It has been exhausting. I am mentally juggling a lot and also have been back at work in my office (where it is safe to work as I'm often the only one there and when my boss is there we can socially distance). I did not think that working from home made a huge difference to me until that changed. I made plans last night and tonight (staying safe, don't worry), have two doctor appointments this week, and have some other commitments I have made needing my time and attention. My house also needs some extra cleaning. Why do I share? I am doing fine and not looking for sympathy. I am sharing because maybe I am not the only one adjusting to living life very differently even as some things return to normal. Finding the balance between doing things that are still safe for myself and others around me and getting things done can be harder some days. (For those of you with children at home n...

I am sitting here in the quiet of my home. Alone. This is not unusual as I live alone. Well I have a cat but he very good at being independent. Tonight, however, I also feel rather alone. It is a strange time in the world around us. All around the world we are being told to self isolate and if we do go out, to socially distance to prevent the spread of COVID-19. This is not why I feel alone. Yet it does intensify the feeling I have of being alone at present. Allow me to back up a bit. Back in January, my Mumsy found out she had pancreatic cancer. I knew then this was not good and we would be lucky to have much time with her. Yet I remained hopeful. It was not too much longer before she had moved into my sister's so she wasn't on her own. Her beloved Tom passed away last summer. Now that I am writing this out, I can say it was also the first time in her life that my mum was alone. I am suddenly realizing I did not ask her how that felt, nor did she tell me. I may be adopt...

It is December. For many, it is a high pressure month. There is pressure to find the perfect gifts for family and friends. There is pressure to find the right outfit for a staff holiday party. There is pressure to put together a perfect meal for everyone. There is pressure from advertisers. There is pressure from family. There is pressure from friends. There is also a lot of joy in this month. It can be a time of healing. It can be a time of renewal. It can be a time of forgiveness. It can be a time of hope. It can be a time of new beginnings. It can be a time of coming together. It can be a time of peace. For me, it is the hardest month of the year. There are many reasons for this. I won't waste time going into them here. The reasons are not important. For the past few years I found December to be a bit easier. Then this year hit. I have been carrying some extra disappointment lately that would, under normal circumstances, just flow right over me as if it was nothing. This mon...

Over the past few weeks I have been in a position I have not been in for over a decade. I will also, most likely, never be here again. I had extra money. After years of back and forth with the Canada Revenue Agency, I finally received my Disability Tax Credit. For me, it was a lot of money. It also represented a decade of my life when I was unable to work fully as my health had me in and out of the hospital a lot. This money allowed me to do a few things around my house I would have had to wait years to do otherwise. As I started making decisions about my house, I realised I was enjoying it more. I looked forward to coming home. I found myself planning and seeing a future here. That is new to me. After years spent in and out of hospital and being unable to make plans beyond a few days, I forgot how to plan and dream. I think I may have started to find my way back to that this month. I will admit, I put a lot of stress on myself to spend the money wisely and in the best ways. I am s...

I have been thinking about this post for weeks now. Whenever I thought about sitting down to write it, things didn't seem quite right. Maybe I should push through those moments more often. I do need to write more in general. Yet I can always 'feel' when something I write is true to me. I do not like to force writing. It does not seem as genuine. I also finished reading the book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown today. It is an amazing book I encourage everyone to read. It is especially relevant in these days of seemingly turbulent times around the world. It had me thinking more about my own mindset and how set my mind is. Over the past few months I have been assessing my life more from a new perspective. As things improve for me, I find I am more awake and alive to things around me. Instead of simply existing day to day and trying to get from one hurdle to another, I realize there are fewer hurdles and more steps on solid ground. I feel freer to enjoy ...