Well December is almost done and I made it through another year! Ok, there was no doubt I would. December just happens to be the worst month for me. Tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday. He passed away 7 years ago. Some days that seems like a really long time. Other days it feels like just yesterday. And yet, as time goes on, I work my way through what the loss means to me. Yes, I miss him. And yet I carry on. I always thought losing my dad would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But if that was the worst, I'll be ok. So tomorrow I will probably go to the cemetery. It is peaceful there. It is a good thinking spot for me. I pray. I remember. I look ahead.
It also happens to be my best friend's birthday. That reminds me of the present. I am here. I have life to live. I have things to do. I have joy to experience. I have family and friends who love me. I also happen to love them very much! My nieces and nephews are old enough to have more in depth relationships with. I absolutely LOVE that!
To be honest, this year had a lot of tough moments. Some days are still tough. As I think through where I am as opposed to where I would like to be I realise I can change it. I miss doing more with my life. I do not think I am doing enough to change the world around me. I also miss travelling around this amazing world I am a very small part of. So I think I will start looking into going to Africa next December. I will be 40 on my next birthday. I am really excited about that! (Yes, I'm serious!) I have a friend who has been working with refugees there for many years. I hope to sit down with her next month and hear more about it. She has been a friend for many years. She has spunk. She is courageous. She is loving. She is kind. She is also a drummer which I think makes her incredibly cool.
I remember when I used to feel a lot of those things about my self and my life. Somewhere along the way I let disappointments and hurts rob me of that joy. I felt less alive. I feel less useful. I am not looking to run away from issues or problems. I need to hit some sort of internal 'reset' button. There is much to be done in the world to make things better for those around me. I know I can not do it all. Surely that should not stop me from doing something. We can all do something.
It also happens to be my best friend's birthday. That reminds me of the present. I am here. I have life to live. I have things to do. I have joy to experience. I have family and friends who love me. I also happen to love them very much! My nieces and nephews are old enough to have more in depth relationships with. I absolutely LOVE that!
To be honest, this year had a lot of tough moments. Some days are still tough. As I think through where I am as opposed to where I would like to be I realise I can change it. I miss doing more with my life. I do not think I am doing enough to change the world around me. I also miss travelling around this amazing world I am a very small part of. So I think I will start looking into going to Africa next December. I will be 40 on my next birthday. I am really excited about that! (Yes, I'm serious!) I have a friend who has been working with refugees there for many years. I hope to sit down with her next month and hear more about it. She has been a friend for many years. She has spunk. She is courageous. She is loving. She is kind. She is also a drummer which I think makes her incredibly cool.
I remember when I used to feel a lot of those things about my self and my life. Somewhere along the way I let disappointments and hurts rob me of that joy. I felt less alive. I feel less useful. I am not looking to run away from issues or problems. I need to hit some sort of internal 'reset' button. There is much to be done in the world to make things better for those around me. I know I can not do it all. Surely that should not stop me from doing something. We can all do something.
you are way too hard on yourself! You work hard and as long as you always try your best, then you have done the best you can! Wishing you lots of love, success, health and joy in 2012!!!
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