If you have read this blog more than once, you know my health has been a major factor in my life. As much as I like to think it is not, it is. So when I have pain, it tends to throw me for a bit of a loop. Mostly because it happens so rarely now, yet when it does, I feel like it reduces me to someone who has been very unwell in the past.
To be honest, I hate being defined by my health. I have had eight surgeries. I can say with confidence that four were because of doctors not listening to me and mistreating me. Three were to save my life. One was not related to the others but helped me immensely.
Last Thursday I had pain again. This was a new pain. Old pains I know what to do with. I do not like them but I understand them. They are not typically serious. They are usually the result of 8 surgeries and pass quickly. I can handle them well partly because I know they will pass and I am fine.
This one is different though. I went to Urgent Care yesterday and was given antibiotics and something for pain. I have a high tolerance for pain after many years of dealing with it. I have also heard there are medical studies saying redheads have a higher pain threshold. Yes, for real. I wish I could quote them here. (Although nausea makes me grab the Gravol quickly.)
New pain in a part of my body that should not have that sort of pain sends all sorts of thoughts through my mind. My first surgery was to prevent colon cancer. Cancer runs through my birth mother's family. It is an ugly shadow to have hanging over you. So pain signifies something is wrong somewhere. Pain in a place that should not have pain signifies something (at least to me) rather serious. The amount of pain I have been dealing with this weekend makes it hard for me to walk. That is very, very wearing.
I do not share this lightly. I hate being looked at as someone who is not well. I am mostly well most of the time. In fact, so well, I have completed half marathons. It has also been almost nine years since my last surgery. I do not see any more in my future, thankfully.
So I share this now because I see a lot of people I care very much about suffering with various pain. Some physical. Some mental. Some emotional. Pain comes in many forms. Sometimes I think we are afraid to say we are in pain because it will make us seem weak. For anyone who knows me, I doubt that is the first word that comes to mind if they had to describe me. Maybe I have too much pride in my strength. Maybe I try to be too independent. Maybe I try to keep to myself too much.
While I dislike being defined by my health history, I know it is a part of me. Some of the experience has been a rather amazing journey. I have grown as a woman, character strengthened, personality stretched. I have made deeper friendships with people I care very much about. I have learned to ask for help. I have learned that is ok.
I am sure this pain will pass and all will be well again. I would prefer if that was yesterday as I really dislike visiting my doctor (as nice as she is.) Yet I do not have to let this define me. One weekend does not a person make. It is ok to say we need help sometimes. And this time I have had some amazing friends show great care for me. For that, I am incredibly thankful.
To be honest, I hate being defined by my health. I have had eight surgeries. I can say with confidence that four were because of doctors not listening to me and mistreating me. Three were to save my life. One was not related to the others but helped me immensely.
Last Thursday I had pain again. This was a new pain. Old pains I know what to do with. I do not like them but I understand them. They are not typically serious. They are usually the result of 8 surgeries and pass quickly. I can handle them well partly because I know they will pass and I am fine.
This one is different though. I went to Urgent Care yesterday and was given antibiotics and something for pain. I have a high tolerance for pain after many years of dealing with it. I have also heard there are medical studies saying redheads have a higher pain threshold. Yes, for real. I wish I could quote them here. (Although nausea makes me grab the Gravol quickly.)
New pain in a part of my body that should not have that sort of pain sends all sorts of thoughts through my mind. My first surgery was to prevent colon cancer. Cancer runs through my birth mother's family. It is an ugly shadow to have hanging over you. So pain signifies something is wrong somewhere. Pain in a place that should not have pain signifies something (at least to me) rather serious. The amount of pain I have been dealing with this weekend makes it hard for me to walk. That is very, very wearing.
I do not share this lightly. I hate being looked at as someone who is not well. I am mostly well most of the time. In fact, so well, I have completed half marathons. It has also been almost nine years since my last surgery. I do not see any more in my future, thankfully.
So I share this now because I see a lot of people I care very much about suffering with various pain. Some physical. Some mental. Some emotional. Pain comes in many forms. Sometimes I think we are afraid to say we are in pain because it will make us seem weak. For anyone who knows me, I doubt that is the first word that comes to mind if they had to describe me. Maybe I have too much pride in my strength. Maybe I try to be too independent. Maybe I try to keep to myself too much.
While I dislike being defined by my health history, I know it is a part of me. Some of the experience has been a rather amazing journey. I have grown as a woman, character strengthened, personality stretched. I have made deeper friendships with people I care very much about. I have learned to ask for help. I have learned that is ok.
I am sure this pain will pass and all will be well again. I would prefer if that was yesterday as I really dislike visiting my doctor (as nice as she is.) Yet I do not have to let this define me. One weekend does not a person make. It is ok to say we need help sometimes. And this time I have had some amazing friends show great care for me. For that, I am incredibly thankful.
I can relate immensely. I will often not speak of my pain, because I hate to be seen as weak and I do not want to be defined by it. Its a hard thing to deal with on your own though. When pain rises up in me it generates old fears which I have to shake off. I'm not that person anymore, and I have to remind myself that this WILL pass and everything will be okay!
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