The past two weeks I have been tired, more than usual. Even now I am sitting typing this when I should be putting away the four bags of groceries in my kitchen. Maybe in a bit. Right now I just want to sit. Relax. Rest.
I have been wondering why I am so tired. Then I reminded myself (yes really) that I am doing many things constantly. I have a full time job and two very part time jobs as well. The part time jobs can be done easily at home. They are perfect for me. I enjoy them. I am also very thankful for them.
I also volunteer - some would say a lot. Most weekends lately I have been volunteering somewhere. I do it because I enjoy it. I also do it because I don't have enough money to give to all the organizations I admire and respect. So I give them my time and energy. I am very happy for the opportunities to do so. I have met some amazing people and had some fun experiences. I have also had the chance to make a positive difference in small ways.
I am blessed with many friends. And not just casual, superficial friends. I am blessed with quality people who seriously invest in me, as I do them. They love me, accept me, extend much grace to me, admonish me lovingly when I need it, support me, and all around bless me. I cannot say enough about how amazing my life is because of them.
I have family. While we do not all live close together, they are close in my heart and mind. I think about them often. I love them more than life itself.
So what does all of this have to do with being tired? And where does identity come into play? I think it is all intricately woven together. Allow me to explain my thought process.
One of the 'gifts' of being so sick for so long was the fact I no longer worried what other people thought of me in the sense I didn't try to figure out what I could do to make people like me or think highly of me. I was alive. I was well. That was plenty. I care about people. I also care what people think.
Yet there have been times in my life when I did start to care more about what others thought instead of conducting myself according to my deeply held beliefs. Some of those beliefs are not thinking I am better than anyone else, extending grace, losing my ego, serving others regardless of whether or not they serve me equally, giving of myself and loving others. Those are some of the big ones.
It is during those times, when I am allowing my identity to be defined by standards or ideals that constantly change, that I am most tired. Trying to keep up with other people's ideals of me is tiring. Allowing my identity to come from things that shift is exhausting.
Lately, I have noticed some changes in how I see my life and the world around me. I have started, once again, to focus on uncertain, or status, or the opinions of others about me. Yet it has been much more subtle. It is like a slow eroding of my energy. A slow eroding of my focus. A slow eroding of my joy.
That frustrates me. So now is the time to refocus. Where does my identity come from? As a woman, as a Christian, as a community volunteer, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as Aunty B...all of these are influences on me. These are things nothing can take from me. These are some of the things that define me. These are also the things that bring me joy. This is where I fit best.
I have been wondering why I am so tired. Then I reminded myself (yes really) that I am doing many things constantly. I have a full time job and two very part time jobs as well. The part time jobs can be done easily at home. They are perfect for me. I enjoy them. I am also very thankful for them.
I also volunteer - some would say a lot. Most weekends lately I have been volunteering somewhere. I do it because I enjoy it. I also do it because I don't have enough money to give to all the organizations I admire and respect. So I give them my time and energy. I am very happy for the opportunities to do so. I have met some amazing people and had some fun experiences. I have also had the chance to make a positive difference in small ways.
I am blessed with many friends. And not just casual, superficial friends. I am blessed with quality people who seriously invest in me, as I do them. They love me, accept me, extend much grace to me, admonish me lovingly when I need it, support me, and all around bless me. I cannot say enough about how amazing my life is because of them.
I have family. While we do not all live close together, they are close in my heart and mind. I think about them often. I love them more than life itself.
So what does all of this have to do with being tired? And where does identity come into play? I think it is all intricately woven together. Allow me to explain my thought process.
One of the 'gifts' of being so sick for so long was the fact I no longer worried what other people thought of me in the sense I didn't try to figure out what I could do to make people like me or think highly of me. I was alive. I was well. That was plenty. I care about people. I also care what people think.
Yet there have been times in my life when I did start to care more about what others thought instead of conducting myself according to my deeply held beliefs. Some of those beliefs are not thinking I am better than anyone else, extending grace, losing my ego, serving others regardless of whether or not they serve me equally, giving of myself and loving others. Those are some of the big ones.
It is during those times, when I am allowing my identity to be defined by standards or ideals that constantly change, that I am most tired. Trying to keep up with other people's ideals of me is tiring. Allowing my identity to come from things that shift is exhausting.
Lately, I have noticed some changes in how I see my life and the world around me. I have started, once again, to focus on uncertain, or status, or the opinions of others about me. Yet it has been much more subtle. It is like a slow eroding of my energy. A slow eroding of my focus. A slow eroding of my joy.
That frustrates me. So now is the time to refocus. Where does my identity come from? As a woman, as a Christian, as a community volunteer, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as Aunty B...all of these are influences on me. These are things nothing can take from me. These are some of the things that define me. These are also the things that bring me joy. This is where I fit best.
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