A wee bit of BS

It is December. For many, it is a high pressure month. There is pressure to find the perfect gifts for family and friends. There is pressure to find the right outfit for a staff holiday party. There is pressure to put together a perfect meal for everyone. There is pressure from advertisers. There is pressure from family. There is pressure from friends. There is also a lot of joy in this month. It can be a time of healing. It can be a time of renewal. It can be a time of forgiveness. It can be a time of hope. It can be a time of new beginnings. It can be a time of coming together. It can be a time of peace. For me, it is the hardest month of the year. There are many reasons for this. I won't waste time going into them here. The reasons are not important. For the past few years I found December to be a bit easier. Then this year hit. I have been carrying some extra disappointment lately that would, under normal circumstances, just flow right over me as if it was nothing. This mon...

Over the past few weeks I have been in a position I have not been in for over a decade. I will also, most likely, never be here again. I had extra money. After years of back and forth with the Canada Revenue Agency, I finally received my Disability Tax Credit. For me, it was a lot of money. It also represented a decade of my life when I was unable to work fully as my health had me in and out of the hospital a lot. This money allowed me to do a few things around my house I would have had to wait years to do otherwise. As I started making decisions about my house, I realised I was enjoying it more. I looked forward to coming home. I found myself planning and seeing a future here. That is new to me. After years spent in and out of hospital and being unable to make plans beyond a few days, I forgot how to plan and dream. I think I may have started to find my way back to that this month. I will admit, I put a lot of stress on myself to spend the money wisely and in the best ways. I am s...

I have been thinking about this post for weeks now. Whenever I thought about sitting down to write it, things didn't seem quite right. Maybe I should push through those moments more often. I do need to write more in general. Yet I can always 'feel' when something I write is true to me. I do not like to force writing. It does not seem as genuine. I also finished reading the book "Braving the Wilderness" by Brene Brown today. It is an amazing book I encourage everyone to read. It is especially relevant in these days of seemingly turbulent times around the world. It had me thinking more about my own mindset and how set my mind is. Over the past few months I have been assessing my life more from a new perspective. As things improve for me, I find I am more awake and alive to things around me. Instead of simply existing day to day and trying to get from one hurdle to another, I realize there are fewer hurdles and more steps on solid ground. I feel freer to enjoy ...

When I worked in Early Childhood Education, I would often encourage children to use their imaginations. I gave them free time to create, play, imagine, have fun, and be someone they were not. A part of the reason I did that was because I believe it is important for children to think, create, problem solve, work together, and have some unstructured time with their friends. As we grow older, we lose a lot of our imagination. It just isn't needed as much. When we get together with friends, we chat about real life, or let others use their imagination to help entertain us with music, movies, theatre, or other creative events. We are focused on the here and now. Our days are filled with reality. There is no time for imagination, make believe, or pretending. Or is there? The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how we present ourselves to others. I like to think I am the same person at church, work, with friends, with family, or volunteering in the community. If you saw me ...

On Valentine's Day I logged into Facebook, as I do every day. It is just another day to me, however, I enjoy seeing people's posts about how they are celebrating the day. I also love seeing how my friends' children are enjoying a day celebrating love. This time though I was shocked to read a post from parents of a friend saying he had passed away. Utterly shocked. I knew he was in hospital. Just before he went in he sent me a text asking if I could take his cat for a bit. I still had a somewhat new cat here so I said I couldn't but would ask around. I figured he would be in for a few days. I did not know what the issue was. He had been battling depression and his life was exceptionally difficult at the moment. But I thought he would be in for a few days then home again. I checked in with him through Facebook a bit and my last message asked if he was admitted, and if so, where so I could go see him. He never replied. I still assumed he would be home in a few days. ...

I took a sick day today. No, I don't have the flu or a bad cold. I am tired. Very tired. I have felt extreme exhaustion for months in fact. Maybe longer. I just thought I wasn't sleeping well. However, I also lacked motivation to do anything extra most days as well. I saw my doctor this week about something else and when she looked at my blood work she noticed my thyroid number was very high meaning it was low functioning. She prescribed a low dose medication to try to get it back to normal. Hopefully within a week of starting it, I will have more energy. So today I asked my boss if I could take a sick day and he had no problem. So far I have slept for most of it but am still tired. Yet at the same time I am excited and hopeful. Now I know what the issue is. It is something that can be resolved. It is something that has a name, a diagnosis, a solution. It wasn't just my imagination. I tweeted recently that two things happened Monday that are life changing for me. That...

I am sitting here in my warm house with an eggnog latte beside me. It is a warm comfort of winter I enjoy. It is dark much earlier now and the weather has cooled considerably. Winter seemed to hit us literally overnight but the past few days it has warmed up melting some snow. I can currently see some of the grass in my yard. Yet when the temperature dipped below -15 and the north wind picked up, I was tempted to stay inside more. I would be outside simply to go to work and come home. I ordered groceries online for delivery saving me the struggle of getting heavy, bulky groceries home by bus. I also had a cold that seemed to hang around for over a month. The cough that came with it did not help. My apologies to everyone who rode a bus with me and had to listen to it. Thank you to the kind woman who handed me a cough candy one especially bad trip. All of this got me to thinking about how easy it is to hibernate in winter. It also got me thinking about how easy it can be for us t...