A wee bit of BS

I am finally ready to sit and write this piece. It has been 'bouncing' around in my head for months now but seemed appropriate to write today. I also looked at the last time I wrote and realize it has been longer than I thought. Today seemed the best time to write because it involves something my mother said to me when I was a teenager. She does not know it, but one thing she said to me altered me completely, and forever. I have said this before, I was adopted. I was adopted at one week old. My mum and dad had already adopted my brother not long before that and I remember my mum saying she was surprised they 'got a call about a girl' as everyone at that time wanted a girl. (Back in the early 70's when I was born, many parents did not talk about adoption. They were allowed to come and see a child before deciding if they wanted to adopt. Many, so I am told, chose babies that 'looked like them' so they could hide the fact the child was adopted. Not my paren...

Today is Bell Let's Talk day. It is a day to help raise awareness around mental health as well as encourage people to get the help and find supports. I remember my first battle with depression. It was big. It was deep. I felt I would never get out of it. In fact, in the winter of 1997/98 I wanted to end it all. It was my first experience with what I call situational depression. It was dark. It was lonely. It was hard. I was diagnosed with a hereditary disease in my early 20's. It required surgery to remove my colon completely to prevent cancer. It was supposed to be two surgeries three months apart with the first one being December 20, 1996. There would be a longer recovery time but then life would go on. It did not happen that way. In fact, nothing went right. Fast forward to that winter when I was told I had to wait six weeks for a CT Scan. I needed the scan before my final surgery would take place. It felt like my entire life was on hold. I saw no future. I had no pl...

I have only been a bridesmaid a few times in my life. That is a good thing as I am a terrible help to a bride. I really have little knowledge or interest in the intricate planning that goes into a wedding. I am delighted for friends who get married, don't get me wrong. Weddings have never been a big deal to me though. So when asked to be in a wedding I say yes, because it is not about me, it is about my friend getting married. I should also note, I take my commitment to the couple very seriously when I do say yes to being a part of the wedding party. For me, it is less about the day and more about the lifetime the two are planning together. When I stand up at their wedding, I am also there saying I bless them, love them, and will always do everything I can to support them as a married couple. I also expect them to be married for a very long time. "Until death do them part..." It is a small part of wedding vows most people don't give my heed to. Death is usually a ...

It is January 2nd and I have been off work for ten days. It has been glorious. I have been incredibly lazy as well. Maybe the one is because of the other. Yet over the ten days I have learned to give myself permission to do as much or as little as I wanted to. I had great plans to get my home organized, read some books I have had at the top of my list for months, knit, spend time enjoying coffee at my favourite cafes, and running. Very little on that list has been accomplished. And I do not feel guilty about it at all. Usually people make resolutions at the start of a new year to improve themselves in big ways. We decide we want to eat healthier, lose weight, read more, spend more time with family and friends, drink more water, and on and on. Those are all great goals. For some of us though, the biggest mindset to change is the one we have towards ourselves. I am a list person. I like to write things down to help me remember, keep me focused, and create a sense of accomplishment....

Yesterday we received a LOT of snow here in Winnipeg. As I sat in my office enjoying the view out my large window, I felt a bit like I was in a snow globe. Suddenly my winter wonderland moment was interrupted by a car stuck in the car park in front of my office. It was a young man who had clearly spent a lot of money on his car. Yet all that money did not help him as he revved the engine and his tires spun in place. He was going no where. Eventually he managed to get moving again but not without struggle first. I thought he was lucky he didn't do damage to his car in the process. It got me thinking about my own life. I have been writing lately about how things are so much better, I am happy these days, and things are easier. I have a confession though. Parts of my are still stuck in old ways of thinking and acting. As the years of difficulty dragged on, I began to lose a sense of who I was. I started believing I did not matter. I am not sure if it is easier to feel unimportant ...

For most of my adult life I have always striven  for contentment. Not happiness. Not having enough. Not being more. But being content. Being satisfied with what I have, who I am, and where life has me. This has not always been easy. There have been many days when happiness seemed so far away I could not even imagine it. I did not have enough for all the bills needing to be paid. I did not have enough energy to help others as I wanted to. I had times when I have desperately wanted to be more than I am, better than I am, kinder, more patient, more compassionate, in better shape, better at remembering things, a better sister/daughter/aunt/cousin/friend.  Actually, as I sit here typing I am amazed I have had any moments of contentment. Yet I have. I do. Even now. I am sitting here at my little desk tucked in the corner of my dining room. My VERY small laundry room is right behind me with the gentle hum of the dryer. I am content. I have no dirty dishes in my kitchen sink....

My last few posts have been highlighting the healing and changes in my life this year. Daily I wake up amazed at the changes that have happened. There is a long way to go to putting my life back to where I would like it to be at my age but I am finding new joys daily. I feel I have experienced a bit of an awakening. When things first changed for the better there was a part of me still waiting for something bad to happen or for the good things to disappear. I had many times over the past few years when hope returned only to have circumstances change, leaving me scrambling to figure something else out. I still have a slight (maybe irrational) fear of something negative happening. Yet more and more I find myself more alive to life around me again. My joy is deeper. My hope is tangible. My laughter has returned. Anyone who has spent time with me will attest to the fact it has returned better than ever. Laughter might not seem like something important to most people. Yet to me it has ...